KOSMOS-Kawai! Oh-My-Music Idol
by ItWasTheVoices
Summary: Ladies and Gentleman, put your hands together for the music battle of the ages. The Xenosaga crew must use the power of music to not only entertain the universe, but also save it from it's own destruction. Can they really save humanity from extinction? KOSMOS! Activate pop idol transformation now! Contains references to drugs, sexual situations, and occasional nudity.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi-o, this is ItWasTheVoices! I wanted to give a shout out to a follower of my work, 'ptl', thanks for giving me this fanfic idea to write about. May you all enjoy the ludicrous visions of KOSMOS as the greatest music artist of all time, curtesy of this ridiculous nerd writing it.**

**Chapter One**

Poppy dance music plays in the background of a pastel colored television studio. A camera flies over a diverse group of excited audience members screaming in front of an ostentatiously dressed woman dancing to Electronic-Pop music. She flips her neon green pigtails and turns on her microphone hooked onto her left ear and shouts to millions watching today's show, "Hellllooooooooooooooo, Second Militia!"

The audience starts screaming louder when the introduction begins. "This is your beloved host, Ebisu Ushia, and welcome to another exciting episode of Nani-so-Kawai Música! Featuring the most lit, mother-fucking best music heating up the charts all across the galaxy! You star and starlets are up for a fab-u-lous treat today. We have our special guest interview and performance from a rising music artist taking the music world by storm. Please give a shout out to our new blue haired goddess of song, KOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOS!"

The audience starts shouting and screaming with excitement watching three people walk out on stage to sit with the TV host. She moves her oversized sunglasses up to take a gander at the three guests for today. The first was the star of the hour, KOSMOS, who was dressed in a bright white mini dress clinging tightly to her curves. Her heels clicked like a drum, matching the beat of her silver chain necklace and bangles clanking as she strides onto the stage, the android sits and crosses her legs covered in her thigh high white boots. Blue hair shimmered like the sea while her emotionless red eyes stare at her adoring fans shouting her name. Following her in was Shion in her Episode II outfit, and Allen dressed up in baggy pants and an ironed T-shirt. Shion crosses her arms and legs in her seat glaring at the grimacing Allen.

"Welcome to the show, KOSMOS. What's been going on with your sick self?" Asked a cheerful Ebisu.

"I have not experienced a virus in my internal circuits if that is what you are asking, Miss Ushia. All internal and external outputs are functioning at 100 percent," KOSMOS replied.

"Hahaha, you're such the sassy cat, K. We are SO glad to have you on the show today. Could you tell us, K, who you brought with ya?"

"This is my creator, Shion Uzuki, and her assistant Allen Ridgeley." The two wave at the audience with uncomfortable smiles as the crowd claps and whistles at them.

"KOSMOS, you have made quite an impressive resume, chica! Your agent says you are the first android to become a master of every instrument known to man along with your short and fabulous career as a singing idol! How does it feel having all those accomplishments?"

"It has been, as Kukai Junior calls it, a radical readjustment. Most of my combative weapons have been replaced with musical instruments such as an electrical guitar. Even my X-Buster has been replaced with LED lights and an autotune backup voice for harmonics," KOSMOS answered with an uncharacteristic look of concern.

"Wow, that does have to be tough to adjust to, K. So how did you do it? Your adoring fans just GOTTA know," squealed Ebisu.

"It started when I was implanted with a vocaloid software installed by Mr. Ridgeley and Miss Uzuki during a routine maintenance in Vector Industries' Second Militia location. The vocaloid software was installed into my black box placed using-"KOSMOS, please don't tell EVERYONE about your design details." Pleaded Shion.

"Is everything okay, Shion?" asked KOSMOS.

"No, KOSMOS! You're supposed to stop the Gnosis terrorism spreading across the universe, not sing pop and dance covers dressed up as Beyoncé and rocking like Led Zeppelin," replied an irritated Shion.

"Well she's kind of doing it, just with singing and dancing," said Allen.

"This is ALL YOUR FAULT," argued Shion.

"My fault? You're the one who told me to grab the vocaloid software to put inside her," argued Allen.

"I SAID to grab the BLUE vocaloid chip used for responding to cyber commands through musical wavelengths. Your incompetent ass grabbed the GOLD vocaloid _program_ that was connected to my charger!"

"Who charges their music player next to military weaponry?!" Shouted Allen.

"There wasn't anywhere else to plug it in!" Shion shouts louder.

"Shion, if I may interject, your drama is causing a 40% decrease in my internal mellow. My agent informed me this would negatively affect my external image and profit margins," KOSMOS explains.

"Wait, when did you get an agent?" Shion asks in disbelief.

"Hi Shion! You guys are looking great! Keep it up," Allen and Shion turn their heads to see Jr. waving at them in an eighties styled blazer and baggy pants. He was chatting up with record labels for the android while wearing flashy gold jewelry and hipster shades. They could hear Jr. cursing over the phone, negotiating for the largest revenue for his blue-haired diva.

"You're NOT helping, Jr." cried Allen.

"Now, K, I gotta ask you about something that's running around the music world for like ever. There's a rumor going around that a rival artist looking just like you is calling you out. The universe is simply in a buzz about the starlet trash talking about you as, and I quote, "That basic bitch KOSMOS don't got nothing on my fine musical prowess. Stupid Taylor Swift wanna-be would get sent packing crying to her dorky ass mama. She wouldn't stand a chance against the real goddess of song!"" The audience gasps and whispers incessantly around the room.

"Sounds like this 'goddess of song' has some delusions of grandeur. I would be happy to be of service, putting a boot up her ass," KOSMOS replied.

"KOSMOS! What has gotten into you? You were NOT made to cat-fight with musicians," yells Shion.

"But Shion, I am overwhelmed with the desire to 'kick their ass'," calmly argues KOSMOS.

"No, your don't! You DON'T need to kick her ass!" Shouted an incredulous Shion.

"To the 'trash-talking bitch', if you are watching this, please acknowledge that your challenge has been accepted. I will beat your ass anytime anywhere in song," KOSMOS calmly said to the cameras. The audience starts losing their minds shouting, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"No, KOSMOS. I'm ordering you NOT to do THAT!" Cried Shion.

"OMG, this is going to be awesome. Music Battle!" squeals an excited Jr.

"Well star and starlets, looks like we have ourselves a Music Battle coming up in the not-so-distant future. Keep your eyes peeled for the epic showdown between the goddess of song, KOSMOS, verses her challenger, the luscious and also vicious, TELOS!" Shion covers her head overwhelmed with disbelief, Allen tries to comfort her taking her off the stage.

"Now for a celebration of this epic announcement, how about singing to us one of your latest hits, KOSMOS?"

"Affirmative, initiating Hilbert Effect." KOSMOS stands in the middle of the stage with her head set sliding over her face. A bright blue light spreads out over the audience, the crowd clapping with the beat of the song screaming when Ziggy's piano guitar progressively gets louder. MOMO starts playing the drums, bobbing her head with the percussion in jubilee. Like a magician performing his illusion, chaos appears from behind KOSMOS and starts singing in a low whisper,

_'We spin the world like a pinball machine, We have thoughts of a life in abundance…Day and night we wish movies were real, And what is behind the screen is our entrance-' _KOSMOS breaks into song after him.

_'I'm like a satellite, transmitting different eras, I am the voice of the next generation! Completely digitalllll, create synthetic auras. Start a revolution now!' KOSMOS twirls for the audience into her dance routine. _

_'You will never have to cry! Because the future is sold, you can never die and you'll never grow old! Wah-oooo! But everything surrrroooouuunding you is di-gi-tal!'_ Shion and Allen suddenly appearing beside her backup dancing in their Vector uniforms. "What the fuck! Chief, how did we get back on stage?!" Allen shouts panicking.

"I don't know! I'm trying to figure out how we got back into our Vector uniforms," Shion replies with a perturbed voice.

_'Never break the mold, you do as your told! Freedom is for sale if you give them controoollll. Oh-ooooo! Erase return in the digital world,'_ KOSMOS dances around chaos in a sensual manner with Allen repeating their dance moves without his volition. "Chief I didn't know you could dance like this…"

"Stop trying to grin up next to me, you pervert!"

"I'm not doing it on purpose! There's something wrong with our clothes," Allen cries feeling the microchip on his collar scratching on the back of his neck. The microchip implanted by KOSMOS sends a signal to their clothes, firing up neural impulses to mirror her dance moves.

"I knew investing in those was worth it!"

"Jr.!" The livid Shion shouts. KOSMOS jumps in after chaos sings his verse flying around the room, she starts surfing over the audience riding the ice waves chaos casts. The crowd eating it up like crazy when she counters the ice wave with a blaster of sparklers igniting in the air. She continues singing the chorus and does a flip up back onto the stage, chaos grabbing her in to do their double attack. The four dancing on the stage suddenly stop, the lights turn down low, thanks to the Elsa crew working the lights. Hammer and Tony turn on the strobe lights when chaos shouts, _'Start a revolution now!'_

Ziggy and MOMO continue to rock out on the drum and keys while the three dance behind KOSMOS, the audience erupting into dancing and jumping like maniacs. KOSMOS starts belting out the last of her chorus, _'Never break the mold! You do as you're told! Freedom is for sallllllllllllle, if you give them control! Wah-oooooooo! E-rase return in a di-gi-tal world!'_

The Xeno crew freezes on stage with MOMO holding her drumsticks up proudly. Ziggy stands quietly looking like a badass, while chaos gives KOSMOS a cheeky grin sweating from all the dancing. The android had her hands raised in desire for praise and worship by the masses going ga-ga over the songstress. The whistles and screams overshadow Shion and Allen's mutual expressions of confused terror and exhaustion.

**I had a hard time keeping a straight face writing this down. The song used for chapter one is from a band called Amaranthe. If you ever want a new song for your playlist, their song 'Digital World' is pretty catchy :). Now I wonder how TELOS is going to be like as a music idol (LOL). You should check what happens when TELOS and the Testaments make their plan of attack. Stay tune for the next chapter of Oh-My-Music Idol!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Good Day, readers! This is ItWasTheVoices here to assault your eyeballs with my writing. We previously had KOSMOS give that awesome performance with the Xenosaga crew rocking out on stage. Now let's see what going on with our main villains in Chapter Two. Warning: this chapter contains references to drug use. Other than that, enjoy this bizarre chapter to Oh-My-Music Idol! **

**Chapter Two**

The television in the Executive Wing of Wilhelm's office projects a blue glow around the sitting room, while Kevin sits on the couch watching the television in awe at his previous creation. The remote falls from his hands next to his red mask gawking at Shion and KOSMOS dancing on the screen, embarrassed to find himself developing a nose bleed. "I…I…"

"Winnecot!" Shouts Albedo waltzing into the room. Kevin shakes his head and turns to look at Albedo for another round of being irritated by the white haired loon.

"What do you want Al-Ahh! What happened to your pants?!" Kevin shrieks at the site of Albedo's new costume. The URTV enters the room modeling his new Testament uniform. The bright white of his outfit was now a faded dusty white speedo held up with suspenders. He wore knee high combat boots laced with spikes on the edges, and his cape looked tattered on one side. The White Testament's mask was also gone, now replaced with white face paint covering up his entire face except the black circles around his eyes. Albedo looked a tad self-conscious showing off his body in the new costume, worried he looked too fat to pull it off.

"Sooooo, what do you think?" Albedo asks the recoiling Red Testament.

"…_where_ are your pants?!" Kevin gasps through blushes.

"Uh, get with the program, Red. It's called a speedo."

"That doesn't answer my question, Albedo. What pervert told you to dress up like that?"

"If you must know, TELOS threw this at me and said 'put it on or else'. She said something about Wilhelm ordering us to start a rock band," Albedo said while scratching at the irritating face paint.

"When was that discussed during the morning meeting?" Kevin scoffed.

"Dude, I'm serious, the guy had costumes made for everybody. Virgil and Voyager already have theirs on."

"Damnit, Virgil! Your shoulder pads keep poking me in the face!" Kevin hears a disgruntled Voyager yelling at Virgil through his hockey mask in the other room. Kevin ducks his head into the hall to see Virgil adjusting his phantom mask strapped to his face. Spikes protruded from his navy shoulders that matched his armor plate hanging from his chest, and his navy pants were covered knee high with platform shoes. Voyager's voice appeared to be distorted by his hockey mask, the man covered from head to toe in black. His outfit was accessorized with chains clinging to his body like a broken strait jacket and ankle boots clamped shut with buckles. Kevin's mortified face goes blanche looking forward to the nightmares he would be having tonight. He looks back at Albedo and says with a pitying voice, "Albedo…I think Master Wilhelm may be pulling a cruel joke on you guys."

"Kevin, seriously, this is going down. No ifs, ands, or buts about it," Albedo replies with a dead serious look on his painted face.

"I think I know a prank when I seen one, man. I'm going to go talk to him, honestly you guys are so gullible," Kevin scoffs in denial walking out of the room. He marches himself into his master's office, barges through the doors, and runs up to him while casually noticing the odd changes to the office, "Master Wilhelm. What is with the sudden costume changes, and TELOS giving us orders, and…? Sir, why are you dressed like that?"

Wilhelm turns away from the window in his spinning chair. His body was lounging on the cushy chair in a red velvet suit and a black leopard printed tie. His matching top hat sat sideways before he tips it off his head, greeting Kevin with a wave of a hat and silver cane. Kevin gawks at the site of Wilhelm grinning mischievously at his latest scheme. The red eyed man lowers his black, steampunk sunglasses to playfully smile at Kevin.

"I'm quite surprised you don't recognize the latest fashion these days, Kevin. This is just my way of 'blending in' to the scene," smiled Wilhelm.

"Blending in, sir?"

"Why yes, I need to immerse myself in the role of producer after all."

"Pro-producer?"

"That's right! I'm a producer now, and I've turned my entire company into a corporate music empire bent on ruling the universe with an iron fist."

"What, what happened to our plans for the Eternal Recurrence?!"

"Chill my man, I got us covered. The Weavers of the Eternal Circle of Zarathustra will continue as plan…with a few upgrades," winked the albino man.

"What kind of upgrades?"

"I'm glad you asked! First we have my impromptu change of Vector Industries becoming Vector Records. Hence the epic change in décor to my lit office." Wilhelm continues to smile counting each additional change with a new finger in the air. Kevin stares in wonder at the eight different rings he had on his hand, strangely not caring about the room's décor resembling a steampunk brothel holding a rave.

"Second, we have the _epic_ plan of TELOS becoming the new Music Idol of the universe. With this power, she will become the _true_ Mary and activate Zarathustra's power through the maiden's will. But first we must defeat KOSMOS in order for her to absorb the will of Mary…man, that sounds SO metal when I say that." Wilhelm forms a more devilish smile from his lips, and wipes some white powder off his upper lip.

"Um, sir, how is you dressing up like a pimp, and us looking like we stepped out of a Slipknot music video going to help our plans?" Kevin said with wavering faith.

"Oh that's easy, bottom bitch, you and the other Testaments will form a band. You will use your powers to operate the instruments forged from the darkest depths of the imaginary domain, and TELOS will be our beautiful songstress who will siren the souls of the living to our bidding..."

"Did-did you just call me '_bottom bitch_'?" The upset Kevin blurts out with shock.

"See, I knew you'd be thrilled by that! Now I know TELOS will be our leading lady, but I need someone who can keep the other bitches in line. I can't quite trust our sexy diva to do that without getting power hungry. But _you_, you have _earned_ that trust from me out of all the Testaments. I couldn't think of a better bottom bitch."

"Sir, I'm not sure you know what that means…"

"Oh I think I have an idea what it entails. Now I know this seems like an unpredictable change for you, Kevin. However, if we are also going to steer the maiden back to our main objective, then we must play fire with fire…or in this case, rock and roll." Wilhelm kept snorting and wiping the pesky white powder that wouldn't leave his upper lip.

"Master Wilhelm, are…are you on something?" The Testament stares breathless at him. The more Kevin continued to stare at Wilhelm, the more he started to notice the smiling albino clenching his fingers on the desk and twitching like a hyperactive bomb.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," scoffed Wilhelm with another snort. Wilhelm grabs his handkerchief from his pocket to wipe away some more of the powder from underneath his nostrils.

"OH MY GOD, have you been snorting cocaine?!" shouts Kevin.

"It's actually OxyContin," Wilhelm corrects casually from the desk. He starts to finish cleaning up the rest of the powder on the desk about to throw the residue in the trash. Kevin gawks at the scandalous scene in front of him until Wilhelm acknowledges his upset demeanor.

"Okay, look. I'm sorry…I don't know what came over me. I should have offered you guys some. My bad, let me call up my dealer," Wilhelm starts dialing up his drug dealer on the screen while Kevin grabs the computer from him. Kevin gawks at Wilhelm, indecisive over how to feel watching Wilhelm act so different. Kevin uses some of his height to keep the device out of the shorter man's reach and pulls him over his shoulder. "L-look, Wilhelm, it's going to be okay. We'll just get you to lie down after a cold shower, I'll tell the others you were joking, and-

"Bitch, keep your hands off MY man!" Shouts TELOS in a clingy fashion. Kevin is blindsided by the silver haired diva who elbows him in the gut. Kevin looks up, and his nose nearly bursts out a shot of blood seeing TELOS's outfit. The android's rival sported an edgy metal dress with knee high black boots sharpened at the heels. Her black mini dress was laced at the hems, matching her delicate black gloves. The dress opened suggestively from upper abdomen to show off her cleavage, and was held together by the gold choker around her neck. Kevin couldn't stop staring, thankful he was already dead with how much blood gushed through his nose.

"TELOS, baby, there's no need to get upset. You need to rest those blessed pipes of yours, otherwise how would you be able to show the world who the real goddess of song is," Wilhelm confronted the android with a beguiling tone.

"Don't you patronize me! I have been waiting to beat that blue haired tramp's ass for _months_ now, and I'm not just going to sit here and wait any longer!"

"Boo, look boo, there's no need to ruffle those fine feathers of yours. I have already answered the challenge from Mr. Kukai Jr. You'll get your day in the spotlight _very_ soon." TELOS pulls on Wilhelm's tie inching closer to him with a fuming glare, then starts kissing him in front of Kevin.

Kevin responds to the two making out with eyes the size of the Durandal, his mouth then hangs open like a mailbox in danger of reaching the floor. "Ah, you are the best Mr. Wilhelm. I look forward to my shining moment on the stage. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my dressing room." TELOS flips her long hair letting her heels clank out the office door. Wilhelm grins watching her walking out the door swaying her hips before turning his attention to the mystified Kevin. The albino appraises the man's shocked face becoming slowly permanent, then sighs and uses his pimp cane to prop Kevin's mouth closed. Wilhelm goes back to sit cross legged on top of the desk itself.

"Winnecot, if I may level with you here…activating Zarathustra has always been my main plan. There is no denying nor any change to that plan. But, having the opportunity to do so through the power of music…. enthralls me to no end. I am simply _throbbing_ at the possibilities that come from such drama, such passion, such…no words can describe how euphoric it all feels." Wilhelm quivers with excitement as he embraces himself, a menacing glow illuminates him through the Compass of Order.

"I-I don't know what to say right now, Sir. Am…are you being serious right now?" Kevin replied. Wilhelm inches closer to Kevin's face with a long stoic stare into his eyes. The intense stare pulled him in long enough to see the flat expression of Wilhelm's face turn into a stoner's giggle.  
"Uh yeah man, I am being super dead serious bro!"

"Oh, well in that case…" Kevin matches his boss's goofy smile and laughs insanely for several seconds. His laughter his followed by the taller man falling to the ground and fainting before his high as a kite boss.

"Oh that reminds me, Winnecot. I have something for you to put on."

**I feel kind of bad putting Kevin as the despairing one in this group, but at the same time, it makes me laugh. Honestly, you gotta know what you're signing up for when you hang around a bunch of mentally unstable dudes who take orders from a guy with a theater obsession. **

**Are you curious to see how KOSMOS will plan for her musical dual with TELOS in the next chapter. Will there be chorography, drama, lawsuits? Who knows! Tune in next time for the third chapter of Oh-My-Music Idol! **


End file.
